If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
