Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
