When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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