Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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