when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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