If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
