just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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