at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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