You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Randomize
