she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
