I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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