Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?