If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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