I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
