your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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