the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
