Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
