I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
