Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You are the jesus of drinking
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
