im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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