i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
