there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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