So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
