Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize