Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
