Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
