You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
