we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
