I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you made out with another girl for some wings
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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