i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
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Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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