i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
