Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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