His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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