So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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