need another drink. this is the easiest way
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
