I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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