Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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