please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
