good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
