update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
