As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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