She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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