Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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