I got chris browned last night
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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