So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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