you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night