i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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