My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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