I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
