3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So much rum. So many feels.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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