everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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