Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize