sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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