I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
