Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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