Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
